Exchanges between pilots and control towers shamelessly cut'n'pasted from boreme.com. Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" Enjoy! Cheers Reachy
Here's one for you Reachy.... I flew from Dallas to Las Vegas in a helicopter, about 1,200 miles. Why?......Why not?......won't do it again though... just me and the pilot....we were delivering the aircraft for Grand Canyon Tours.....the helicopter had logged only 3 hours of flight time, when we set out for Vegas.....9 hours into our 10.5 hour journey...this is the conversation. Pilot: Do you smell that? Rick: I thought you turned on the heater. Pilot: No, some thing is on fire! Rick: There is a municipal airport 4 miles to the south. As he turns that way with a 60 degree bank, which is a lot in a helicopter, I'm thinking we are going to land and inspect the aircraft.....but he turns back toward Vegas....then says Pilot: No smoke, that's a good sign, and smiles at me. He decides that the compressor on the A/C was on fire, so just to be sure, he turns it on again!!!! until we smell the burning motor again!!!!! We made it to Vegas right at dusk...
Let's get wet: Captain of US NAVEL VESSEL: "Unidentified object 30 degrees lat. 45 degrees long. suggest you change your course to avoid collission." Unidentified object: "Suggest you change your course to avoid collission." CAPTAIN: "This is the USS Aircraft Carrier, Enterprise. Strongly suggest, unidentified object, that YOU change your course." Unidentified object: "This is the Flory Lighthouse: Your call."
Pilot talking I know many may have seen this already as it did the rounds between members a while ago. For those who haven’t have a look and turn the sound on. Andy http://www.heacham1.freeserve.co.uk/fun/files/pilot.htm
Pilot jokes, eh? Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two hunters objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?" Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
